I spent the better part of forty years managing complex operating systems and solving problems by relying on a proven, time-tested playbook. Naturally, when our children hit their twenties, I expected the standard rules of adulthood to apply to them just as they had to me. 

But as I’ve listened to them talk about their careers, the economy, and the unique pressures they face today, I’ve had to throw my old playbook out the window. The reality is that today’s young adults are navigating a world that moves at a velocity that defies the old rules of gravity. Recognizing that their journey looks completely different from mine has been one of the most important transitions of this chapter. 

It taught me that parenting adult children isn’t about providing the answers anymore; it’s about offering a steady, quiet sanctuary of support while they figure out the answers for themselves.

________________

Parenting: Adult Children

"Parenting adult children: it’s one of the most difficult—and yet least discussed—life transitions facing today’s boomers."  "Whether you believe adulthood begins at age 18, or that it’s less about a number and more about maturity, the reality is that today’s young adults live in a very different world."  (Quoted from: Adult Children: The Guide to Parenting Your Grown Kids.)

Navigating Relationships: with Adult Children

1. "Recognize and respect your differences. There’s no time like the present to accept—and celebrate—the uniqueness of your child. You may not always agree with their life choices, but as their independence grows, find joy in connecting without conflict." 

2. "Share your wisdom and insight (without being critical). Do so with grace and sensitivity. There may be times when you’re the first person they call in a crisis, and other times they’ll want to figure it out with a friend first."

3. "Set Boundaries.  Set boundaries (...and sticking to it), with adult children may feel uncomfortable, but we all respect others who set boundaries.   

4. "Do things you love together. This is a time to discover new things you both love." 

5. "Make room for significant others in their lives. These relationships are an important stage in their launch toward independence. Be open-minded and gracious as you meet this person and find ways to get to know them without being critical." 

6. "Be a consultant, not a CEO. This phase of parenthood is not about running the company and being in charge of their life as you were when they were a dependent but, instead, parenting adult children may mean offering expert advice and guidance that adult children can implement."

7. "Be a sounding board. Create an atmosphere in which your children always feel like they can talk to you.  Adult children will not always be asking for advice, but rather, just asking for a sounding board.” 

8. "Make family meetings a regular occurrence. If you’ve fostered open communication throughout your child’s life, regular family meetings will feel much more natural.  Regular family meetings allow a safe space for siblings and parents to share issues of concern, and to process hard things together."

9. Cut the apron strings, including financial.  Retirement is not the time of life for financially supporting adult children. "Avoid enabling adult children, particularly when your adult child is demanding and needy."

10.  Look for opportunities to learn from your children.  Learning together builds relationships, can be fun and rewarding. 

11. Look for opportunities to acknowledge and complement your adult children' wise decisions and choices. 

(#1-8 quoted from: Adult Children: The Guide to Parenting Your Grown Kids.  #9-11 my own)

Call to Action: You Have a Role to Play in Their Lives

As a parent, you may find yourself struggling to adjust to the fact that your children have grown up and are now living their own lives. 

It's important to remember that you still have a role to play in their lives, even if it's a different one than when they were younger. You can still provide support, advice, and love while also respecting their autonomy. 

You can also set healthy boundaries and expectations to ensure that your relationship remains positive. 

Make sure to keep the lines of communication open and be honest with your children about your feelings and expectations. Show compassion and understanding and be open to listening to their point of view. 

Relationship With Your Adult Children is "Ever-Evolving"

Above all, remember that the relationship between you and your adult children is "ever evolving" and will take time and effort from both sides to maintain.

Resources That Might Be Helpful...

• "Adult Children: The Guide to Parenting Your Grown Kids" by Michelle Seitzer | Source: The Hartford Extra Mile Archive — An exceptional, foundational guide that explores the shifting dynamics of modern families, offering tactical wisdom on how to pivot from daily execution management to a supportive advisory role.  Adult Children on The Hartford

• "5 Ways Parents and Adult Children Can Improve Their Relationship" | Source: Psychology Today Research Network — A data-driven look into the psychological frameworks necessary for building a mutual peer relationship with your children, breaking old childhood patterns, and fostering healthy, adult-to-adult communication.  5 Ways to Improve Relationships on OC Health Psychologists

• "Conflict Resolution Skills: Keeping Relationships Strong and Growing" | Source: HelpGuide.org Archive — A practical toolset designed to help you navigate disagreements, manage underlying emotions, and resolve family disputes in a constructive way that actively strengthens your social capital.  Conflict Resolution Skills on HelpGuide.org

• "18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship" by Beth Ann Mayer | Source: Parade Magazine Insights — An excellent, actionable framework detailing exact phrases to use when expressing love, assisting a struggling adult child, or responding constructively to critiques of your past parenting, while identifying critical phrases to avoid.  18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids on Parade

Exploring Related Posts

Insights & Index to All Posts

Time for Reflection:  

What have you learned about "parenting adult children"?  

Your retirement and life is uniquely yours...over to you...what'd we miss?

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